A Dive into Listening

In the past few decades, the U.S has become increasingly individualistic coupled with increased isolation. These two factors have been the detriment of collectiveness adjacent to being bad listeners. An article by Stanford Daily - The Lonely American Dream, written before Covid-19, tells a story of the reality of the situation.

From a holistic view, it is easy to make sense of this. Through experience, everyone has met a person that, "does not listen to instructions very well," or is that themselves.

Individualism is the trend and is not a bad thing. Confidence in your abilities and speaking up creates a space for creative solutions and new perspectives. However, when not also listening to others' perspectives, this has a negative impact.

"If you make listening and observation your occupation, you will gain much more than you can by talk." --Robert Baden-Powell

3 tips to becoming a better listener

1) Speak less, listen more:

Be engaged in what is said, not formulating what will be said next.

A few years ago, a teacher told me a trick. Listen and try to sum everything heard in a concise and descriptive sentence. When actively using this trick, I noticed my engagement levels in the conversation increased immensely.

Next, paraphrase and formulate a question that fits instead of inserting my thoughts. By engaging in their point, a deeper experience was shared.

Knowing that I was engaged and provided a welcoming environment for them to have the floor, the conversations grew more engaging and insightful.

2) Don't formulate your response; formulate your question:

When actively engaged, listening comes naturally. The goal is to become more aware of your mind when listening. Replacing the habit with a better one. When actively engaged, becoming curious formulates organically. Look for thoughtful questions in the context of what you're hearing, and the conversation will follow.

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." --Stephen R. Covey

3) Body language will take you far:

Body language is the indicator if this is a space for sharing with the speaker. It is also an indicator to yourself if you are engaged or not. Body language is subliminal; aware of it or not, it still affects perception. When closed-off i.e. facing away, tense, or closed, your ability to fully listen and be engaged decreases.

Learning to become a better listener (Zoom or in-person), begin the meeting open and relaxed. Set the stage for the space to be welcoming and open.

Tricks for better body language when listening:

-Toes pointed to the speaker

-Arms uncrossed and if hands are at rest, try to have them facing up and rested.

-Try to add touches of mirroring body language

Being aware of your body language allows your attention and understanding to increase. Using open body language techniques creates a welcoming environment promoting deeper conversations.

What it's all about:

Becoming a better listener will take you far. By listening, we learn better. By listening, we increase understanding and become greater persuaders. Persuasion is not forcing your thoughts; rather, responding well to what was said and how best to communicate with this person. We communicate well when listening well. When people feel heard, they are more inclined to listen. An article by The Greater Good Magazine gives a great explanation on the topic.

Saying fewer words that matter will always be better understood than many words in the wrong setting, especially after the person feels heard.